|
| "Friends" still doing the same thing.
Nothing new.
My shot is getting better, it makes me excited for whats to come, if anything.
| | |
| Ive got to start fousing on the future rather than dwelling in the past.
Bleh.
That is all.
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| Why cant I just relax?
Why cant I just sleep?
I mean, whats so hard about closing your eyes for a little bit,
to rest your body?
The other night, I got MAYBE 30 minutes of sleep, total.
Went to school, hung out after school, and was awake till 8 or 9 last night.
What is wrong with my body? I didnt get tired? (LOL)
It was still even hard to sleep THEN.
I dont know.
Good news is I slept pretty well last night, from 9 PM to 6 AM.
:D
But, I think I am getting sick again, bleh.
I like writing on here. I dont think anyone reads this, and it feels good to vent.
Speaking of venting..haha..
On wednesday my girlfriend told me we would hangout on thursday, as at this
point I was feeling better.
Well, didnt sleep, (Big surprise)
So I woke up around 1 PM, when I heard my sister leave.
Come to find out, My sister, my friend, my girlfriends sister, and my girlfriend,
all hung out.
Yea.
So, I know I was asleep, thats fine, thats cool.
Just, I dont know how to explain it, I feel really weird about the whole thing..
That they would all hangout without me, without even inviting me, or saying "wish you were here."
So, I dont know. It was kinda weird but I tried not to make a big deal about it.
Which I probably did, but oh well. LOL.
Anyway.
Should probably do homework here in a minute while it is still early and everything.
| | |
| Day after day, night after night, this just never seems to end.
No matter what I try to change in my life, it all remains the same when I close my eyes at night.
Why cant I just be happy? Live? Breathe?
Because I dont want to be alive?
I wish I could just sleep, like a normal person. Im tired of only sleeping when
my body is finally exhausted. Im losing it.
I dont want to live like this,
I dont want to live like this..
Why do I have such mood swings?
One minute I have an extreme high,
then, an extreme low.
And nothing happens either way,
Nothing makes me high, nothing makes me low.
It just..happens.
But, why?
Sometimes I really sit and wonder, if I just suddenly passed on, who would care?
Well, realistically, a lot of people would, friends, family, you know.
And when I think about that, then, why do I feel so alone?
Whos really there for me?
Am I alone? Or is this all just meaningless?
Is everything meaningless? Everything I say or do, has no meaning?
Is it empty?
Or, was it just never meant to hold meaning? To anyone, or anything?
Ugh, my head hurts, been sick. Thats another thing,
it feels as though my health is deteriorating,
I feel like Im getting weaker and weaker,
Sometimes it feels like the little pills, sugar, caffiene, and the little food I eat
are the only things keeping me alive anymore.
My body just aches. Everything hurts.
But then, theres always that little part of me that thinks everything is okay.
Great, fantastic, even.
I have a Beautiful loving Lord, A wonderful girlfriend, loving family and friends, school is okay.
But, why do I always feel as though im slowly dying? As though, I can feel when Im going to die: Soon.
I think, when I finish high school, later this year, thats it. Sometime after that my life will be over.
But then, this ray of light comes in and awakens me, and I think, Im only 18, 19 this summer, my life is just
beginning. I will move on and see the world and live, and do wonderful things, my life, is just beginning, not ending.
I think that is one of the few thoughts that motivates to keep going, to keep going, to know I wont be in this weird depression much longer. I will live and breathe, and finally be free, free from my mind and soul, to explore and break off all my ties and pain and just leave my dark past. I will finally be free, to break free, to finally be free..
To finally be free..
| | |
| I always feel locked in my own mind.
I constantly look and search for ways to break free,
To release myself from this prison,
To fly, and finally be free.. To finally be free.. | | |
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